Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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