one might say we're banned from that church
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
