Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
