Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
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