I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
