i wish starbucks made bloody marys
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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