You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize