I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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