You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
time to smoke my breakfast
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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