he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
