She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
