So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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