and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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