whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
