if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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