I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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