the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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