when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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