That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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