whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
