After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
