Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
