i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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