I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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