if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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