I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
