I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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