just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
