please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
