If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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