I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize