yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
