Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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