my phone needs a breathalizer
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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