He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
