he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
