I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I have tasted many bathrooms
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
