The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
