is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
