Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
