I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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