I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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