new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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