I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
