Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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