No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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