dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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