i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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