And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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