i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
