my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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