I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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