come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
