Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize