Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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