my mouth tastes like poor choices
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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