I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
