I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
